• mom: don't eat the cookies yet, they just came out of the oven and are too hot
  • me: fire cannot kill a dragon
400,922 notes


a magician asks you to pick a card - any card, in fact. you do. they ask you to put the card back in the pack - anywhere in the pack, in fact. you do. they walk away. ten years later, your wife gives birth to the six of clubs. “is this your card?” the midwife asks, in a familiar voice.

(via wefuckingtimetravelled)

173,428 notes



I’m like a pirate; I always wanna get my hands on dat booty.

I hope you all know I was drunk and watching Sinbad when I wrote this fantastic pun.

56 notes